Kia Ora Oh Hey
“Sweet Meryl,” I prayed before boarding a flight to Auckland, New Zealand last week. “Please do not let me end up in the Pacific Ocean.”
Fortunately, she was listening because after taking off from Vancouver, I landed safe and sound on the ground nearly fourteen hours later. I also learned from a promotional video on board the flight, Kiwis do not say, “Oh hey!” but rather “Kia Ora.”
I know what you are thinking. What on earth is that ginger doing so far down south? Did he meet a rich Aucklander who flew him out for the weekend? Is Rugged Fox huge in the southern hemisphere – unlike back up north, where he still called a blogger? Or is he simply a closeted fan of “Lord of the Rings” who spent thousands of dollars to see a movie set?
Well, the answer to all the above questions is no. I happen to find myself on this majestic island for a family reunion. That’s right folks! After many, many moons the Fox family is back together under the same roof (well kind of). While I am staying in a storybook cottage with Mama and Papa Fox, Sister Fox is only a short drive away at home with her husband and two kids. This is the first time I have met my nephews without video chat.
Talk about a journey! I can honestly tell you that I do not travel much. Typically, the most adventure I see in a week is leaving downtown Vancouver. That is why, you will understand, the prospect of boarding a long-haul flight was not a settling thought. For weeks leading up to the trip, I felt myself experiencing equal parts excitement and dread. Of course, it also did not help that I restarted watching “LOST.”
“Taking my seat in economy, I patted myself on the back for doing such a good job flying prior to take-off. ”
On the day of departure, my flight was scheduled to leave Vancouver at 7:15PM. Waking up first thing in the morning, I took the advice of my Kiwi regulars at work and went directly to the gym. “Get as much exercise as you can,” they told me, “make yourself really wanna sit.” Crushing the elliptical for the first time in months, I didn’t get off until my legs had turned to mush.
Later that day at the airport, I reasoned it would not be a good idea not to eat before boarding. I have already packed my luggage to the brim, I thought to myself, there is no reason for carrying any more weight with me. So, taking a seat in a lounge, I pushed the food menu aside, and ordered a horrifically over-priced 5oz glass of red wine. And then another one, just because I was on vacation.
Taking my seat in economy, I patted myself on the back for doing such a good job flying prior to take-off. The only fear I had left now, was bumping into an Air New Zealand flight attendant I had a layover with one night. Long story highly censored, the two us met in a hotel room in 2018. Everything was fine until I learned what he did for work. Then, when it was my turn to head south, instead I asked him ten-thousand questions about Auckland. My bad.
Two hours into the flight and one movie down, I felt the most curious upset in my stomach. Ignoring it, I searched for another New Release, when the grumble turned into a roar. Fumbling into my satchel for a can of Pringles, I tried keep the anger at bay one chip at a time. “I sure as heck hope they serve dinner soon,” I said to my seatmate who was fast asleep. “Because gollly-gee-whiz I am hungry.” By the time the dinner tray arrived, I was already asking about breakfast.
Pulling out my journal, I made a note to eat before flying next time.
When it came time for lights out, I was confident that I would have no trouble at all sleeping. Just like the passenger in front of me, whose seat was extended far back into my lap. After seventeen readjustments, ninety-six realignments, and four-hundred counted sheep, I felt the oddest sensation in my legs. Placing my hand on my left kneecap, I let out an “Ooowweee!” Not before long, all the muscles below my waist were screaming.
Because of physical limitations, I could not reach my journal. But I did make a mental note to not destroy my legs before flying next time.
Fortunately for me, the pain subsided in my legs after the temperature in the cabin dropped so low, I could no longer feel them. Shivering under the complimentary blanket, two thoughts crossed my frigid mind. 1) Are we flying over the Antarctic? And 2) Is heat only available in first-class? With only eight hours left to go, I was unsure I was going to make it.
But good news! Because I did. After crossing one equator, fourteen different time zones, and losing a calendar day into thin air, we touched down at the Auckland airport at 5:30am. Going through customs, I declared six boxes of Kraft Dinner and pledged an oath I would never cheer for an Australian sports team.
On the other side of the gate, I met Mama and Papa Fox along with Brother-In-Law Bear, who was holding my first “long black.” Taking a sip of the delicious coffee, I said, “Kia Ora Oh Hey! Let the good times begin!” Then I asked my mom whether it was possible to get hypothermia on a plane.
