Bottles Up

Well it appears the greatest threat to my 28-inch waist these days is baseball. There is no question I joined the beer league in the division, because I have the empty bottles to prove it.

The other night my teammate Holotta came over to help me try on dresses for the upcoming performance and help me finish the half-sack in my fridge. Everything seemed to be coming up roses, until he tried fitting me into my size-6 entrance dress and the zipper almost broke off. The entire experience was quite traumatizing. Taking another swig from my beer, it occurred to me why eating disorders are so common among women. Speaking from experience boys, the way some of these mini-dresses fit, you could be anorexic and still manage to look fat.

The pageant is creeping up fast this Saturday night and I must admit, I am growing the slightest bit nervous. The funny part is that I am not worried at all about the onstage part. I was born to be in the spotlight, so the prospect of prancing around hundreds of men wearing nothing but a bikini top and a pair of four-inch heels is nothing to lose sleep over. The part I am terrified about is this Friday night when I have to shave. For those of you veteran readers, I do not have to remind you about how my sensitize skin does not get along with an electric razor. Although I am slightly less nerved by man-scaping below my neck (the trimmed evidence of which can be easily covered) I am horrified about chopping off my beard. 

Aside from a shaving incident in 2008, my face has been with facial hair now for five years. My beard has been with me through some of the most trying events of my young adult life, like that night my Credit Card maxed out at the restaurant, or at that time I ran out of moisturizer and had to walk down the street to buy more. Point being, my facial hair is one of my face’s most important features. It puts the “Rugged” in Fox and apart from my Johnson, it is the only visible sign of testosterone I have.

Most importantly, however, it is my proactive solution. I have always lived by the philosophy “if it is good for the face, it is good for you” – and the red bush on my face is a perfect example of how I practice that. I can’t even tell you the amount of money I have saved on skin products over the years not having to worry about the skin surrounding my chin and lower cheeks. 

That said, I do understand the importance of taking one for the team (tee hee) and boy will I ever be doing just that this Saturday. For those of you who cannot make the show, rest assured there will be plenty of pictures available on the internet soon enough.

I must be on my merry way though. Heavens knows I should be hauling my ass to the gym to work off last night’s baseball practice.