1. When learning the transit system in a new city, under no circumstances step on any bus that flashes “EXPRESS.” Otherwise you might have to walk back seventeen blocks to return your video.
2. BLOG UPDATE:
In just under three weeks I have accomplished these items on my to-do list from Off to a Rocky Start:
(1) Find nail clippers. (2) Find job. (3) Find friend(s). (4) Find cheap produce. (5) Find husband.” Stay tuned for the launch of Rugged Fox’s Manhunt profile next week.
3. LIGHT IN THE SNEAKERS
There is no end to the number of metaphors and similes I can create about how moving to a new city is like starting a new relationship. Here is one:
In the first couple of months that you start seeing someone, you have no limits. Even though you know you have to be up at six, you still stay out till two. You haven’t done the laundry in weeks, your kitchen is a mess and even though you know you should stay home, you go out.
You have no limits - because you don’t know your limits … yet.
The other night I decided to go out for a run. I ran and I ran and I ran because my body had no idea when to stop. It did not know what far was or have any comprehension of the phrase “I should start turning back.” Pretty soon I had crossed an entire body of water without knowing it.
Returning West through the downtown streets I could see my apartment from the other side of the Granville Bridge. Merging my way on to the eight-lane highway in the sky to return home, I suddenly discovered my limits. Traffic rushing, I peered down at the water 100 feet below me and lost all feeling in my legs. Rushed-with-anxiety-like-a-Hitchcock-my-head-became-light-and-with-nowhere-to-go-except-back-or-across-I-was-made-numb-by-fear. “Fox,” I repeated to myself slowly, “you cannot move to Vancouver and be afraid of heights, you cannot move to Vancouver and be afraid of heights, you cannot be afraid of heights.” Promising myself the biggest glass of red wine I could imagine, I looked down at my feet, and step by step, breath by breath, made my way back to land. At one point in every new relationship you discover that bridge that needs to be crossed. And sometimes you make to the other side, and sometimes you don’t.
4. TOUR GUIDE: (cheerfully) And now, if you just turn your heads to the rights folks, you will see what a homosexual looks like.
This morning I decided to order my coffee tall, dark and black at the Starbucks in gay town. Taking a seat on the sidewalk-patio to gain maximum exposure, I looked up to see an open-roof-double-decker bus staring right at me. Filled with deep pockets, white skin and fanny packs, I suddenly felt this overwhelming pressure to act gay. Distracted by this totally hot guy with the tightest jeans you could buy on this continent, the bus pulled away before I even had the chance.
Left with no yogurt in the fridge, I hopped on the Skytrain this afternoon to make the long trek to Superstore. At first I thought the Skytrain was like a roller-coaster in the sky, but now I just think it smells. As it happens, my cheap-Activia destination just happens to be located in a three-story mall with over 400 stores to choose from. Walking through the doors of the massive structure I felt as if I was traveling back in time. Petrified by every mysterious suburban creature that surrounded me, I walked slowly, comforted only by the familiar sounds of Mariah, blasting out from each store that sold marked-down synthetics. Holding on to my designer bag for dear life, my suspicious were finally confirmed when I reached the centre of the mall: I am in Jurassic Park. Just barely making it out alive to share with you my tale, I captured this following video as proof:
6. Dear Fluevog, I love you.
Upon the advice of two very beautiful women, I stopped in at John Fluevog the other day, while applying for jobs in Gastown. Twenty seconds in the store and I had found a new man to stalk. 16.5" wide, 12.5" tall and 2.5" deep, he is the laptop bag of my dreams. Priced at $429, I decided that all I want for my birthday next month is a sugar daddy.