Put a Ring on it: apply to be my husband

I am currently accepting applications for a first husband. Please review the information below to see if you are eligible and then click to download an application form.

All candidates must …

- Be 22 years or older or 56 years or less on the date of application. If there is any cause for speculation upon my personal review of your attached photo (see picture guidelines below) a valid birth certificate must be provided. If you find yourself outside the age range on the date of application and still want to apply for my love, no fear you can buy it. If this is the case, please submit a current bank statement or signed letter stating the exact dollar amount of your inheritance and the date you will receive it with your application.

- Be able to hang a shelf. This is non-negotiable.

- Be single, gay and unless subject to death upon proclamation of your homosexuality, 100% out of the closet. Married men, straight men, and closeted gay men must register under “dirty mistress” status and fill out a separate application form which is available upon request.

- Know all the words to “The Way You Look Tonight.”

- Be free, to a reasonable extent, of any abandonment, commitment or self-esteem issues they may have acquired as a child.

- Be able to remove a red wine stain from my white carpet while making sure my glass never goes empty for longer than twelve seconds.

- Know how to save money faster than I can spend it.

- Be a kind, compassionate and good-natured human being who cares about their health, the environment and those that are close to them.

- Be versatile or a top.

- Be able to sit through Brokeback Mountain one to two times every six months and hold me tight when Ennis finds Jack’s blood-stained shirt.

- Know how to cook or have enough available credit to order in.

- Not be thinner than I am or else I will feel fat.

- Pass the skill testing question at the end of the application form.

All application forms must be attached with a high resolution head shot of yourself. The meaning of “head shot” as used in this sense is not open for interpretation, it is the one of above your neck. All photos must be 300 dpi. and be taken close-up (no long distance shots of you standing on a mountain top.) In order to verify the photo was not taken ten years ago during your “golden years,” the photo must feature a newspaper with the date prominently displayed as being within two weeks of your date of application. If you have any other questions, please consult this website for examples of valid photos.

If you meet all eligible requirements and have your photo ready to send, please click here to download an application form. All forms must be submitted via email to rugged.fox@gmail.com or mailed to my apartment.

So far 0 applications have been submitted.